Library Conspiracy Theory

Dear Downtown Library,
Thank you for the nice reminder about my son's overdue book, Titanic. I like your e-mail service; it's very handy. But I have no idea where this Titanic book is. In fact, I don't recall ever seeing it. It's possible my son borrowed it when he was on a field trip with his school. But even he can't remember.

And you know what? I'm tired of paying for library books. This is the third library book in a year that the smaller members of my tribe have "lost." I'm starting to suspect this is part of some library racket where the librarian assigns unaccompanied minors to books the library no longer wants. So parents will pay for them. Then the library can buy new books, books that are actually appropriate for children. Because here's the thing: THERE IS NO REASON FOR A SIX YEAR-OLD TO READ ABOUT THE TITANIC. Other than to stoke irrational fears of boats, icebergs, and steerage class.

But you know that already, don't you? I bet you've been pawning off new reader books on Hiroshima and flu pandemics all year, haven't you? I am SO onto you. But lucky for you, I'm not so principled that I won't cut a deal. In fact, I'll refrain from exposing your sordid little book-switch scheme in exchange for this pesky matter of the Titanic going away. It's a fair trade, considering the damage you might've inflicted on my six year-old's psyche.

I mean, steerage class, for lord's sake: OH, THE HORROR.
Yours,
500Jerk

It Doesn't Help That I Always Laugh

As we drove away from Dunkin' Donuts:

500Jerk: I think my favorite donut flavor is jelly. Jelly donut.
Miss M: I pretty much like any filling in a donut.
Boy Wonder (perking up): Anything? Anything in a donut?
Miss M: Pretty much, yeah. Pudding. Jelly. Whipped cream. I like all of it.
Boy Wonder: Well . . . how about poo-poo? Do you like poo-poo in a donut?
500Jerk: Poo-poo donut! [Shouts with laughter.]
Boy Wonder: Yeah, poo-poo donut! [More laughter.]

Oh, those poo-poo jokes. Unfortunately for the rest of the family, both Boy Wonder and my inner six year-old always appreciate a good poo-poo joke.

I don't think we're going to grow out of it any time soon, either.

Car for a Midlife Crisis

The 500Jerk Spouse just got his dream car.





You might think it's a sporty little red convertible.





Something fabulously expensive.





Red would be right.





Sporty, I'm not so sure.





Wait for it.






Wait for it.






Wait.





Be patient, I tell you.





Drumroll . . . .





Drumroll . . . .





Ta-DAH!

OH YEAH, BABY, it's a LITTLE RED VW DIESEL STATION WAGON!

Testing out at over 50MPG!

With superior handling and tan leather seats!

A 36,000 mile warranty!

Guaranteed to make leggy blonde twenty-somethings stop and stare!

OK, I made that last one up.

But . . . take THAT, OPEC!

Pea Soup

We've had so much rain in East Tennessee that TVA is releasing water through the dams above our piece of the Tennessee River, and the colder released water creates a thick fog bank on the river's main channel. The fog is so dense, in fact, that the geese won't fly through it, but swoop down to land at the fog's edge, honking and plainly bewildered.

It's about the only time I feel sorry for the geese, who are otherwise a complete nuisance.

The fog eventually creeps over from the main channel to engulf our house, then the road. We can hear boats moving in the channel, but can't actually see them.

It's pea soup time.

Solstice

Friends of ours had a summer solstice party Saturday, and the 500Jerk kids and their friends spent most of the evening chasing dogs and crawdads in a creek as the adults lounged in campchairs drinking chilled white wine, talking about moonshine. Our hosts smoked chickens and put on a bountiful summery spread while we enjoyed the long views down their Roane County valley and the cool air a Tennessee creek seems to breathe.

We didn't burn a straw man or sacrifice any virgins, but I think we all felt the bounty and beauty of early summer, and it was an excellent excuse to spend the evening al fresco. In fact, a pouty Miss M had so much fun, she didn't want to leave.


Awww, c'mon girl, parents gotta sleep SOMEtime!

Father's Day

To the best dad we know:

Happy Father's Day!

Love always,
Miss M, Boy Wonder & 500Jerk